Melkor's Restaurant
by Lily Lindsey-Aubrey
Summary: Melkor's Restaurant serves food fit for the halls of Mandos! Only fresh ingredients used. No shirt, no shoes, no service. Open 24/7 every day of the week.
1. 1 One Cupcake to Rule Them All

_A/N: :D Hello, everyone! Here is the story, and I hope you all enjoy. Warning: This is very, very, incredibly AU. Surprised? Also, although it is AU, it is also based off of the movie universe._

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><p>Melkor's Restaurant is an establishment owned and run by Lord Sauron, not by Melkor as one would at first think. The dark Melkor was cast into the void by competing restaurant owners, but he left his restaurant to his surviving lieutenant, Sauron.<p>

Lord Sauron did not look like a threat to the competition at first, so they let him be; but they came to regret that decision in the end.

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><p>The restaurant is changed. I taste it in the beverages, I taste it in the entrees. I smell it in the air... Much that once was is lost, for none now live who remember it.<p>

It began with the baking of the Great Cupcakes.

Three were given to the Elves, immortal, most talented... most tasteful of all beings.

Seven to the Dwarf Lords, great cooks and bakers of the pubs and taverns.

And nine... nine cupcakes were gifted to the race of Men who, above all else, desire chocolate.

For within these cupcakes was bound the strength and will to feed each race.

But they were all of them deceived... for another cupcake was made.

In Melkor's Restaurant, in the fires of the Oven of Doom, the great chef Sauron baked in secret a Master Cupcake to control all others. And into this Cupcake he poured his cruelty, his malice and his will to dominate all sustenance.

One Cupcake to rule them all...

One by one the cheap restaurants fell to the power of the Cupcake. But there were some who resisted. A last alliance of Men and Elves entered in a competition against the bakers of Sauron's restaurant. In the Oven of Doom they competed for the freedom of the food industry. Victory was near!

But the power of the Cupcake could not be undone. The great chef Sauron ate all the competing baked goods. But with great courage, one critic, named Elendil, denounced Sauron as a cheater. Sauron killed him.

It was in this moment, when all hope had faded, that Isildur, son of the critic, took up his father's pen.

He wrote a scathing review about the dark chef's foods. Sauron, the enemy of the free customers of Melkor's Restaurant, was defeated.  
>The Cupcake passed to Isildur, who had this one chance to destroy evil forever.<p>

But the hearts of Men are easily corrupted by chocolate. And the Cupcake of power has a will of its own. It gave Isildur a dreadful, insatiable desire for chocolate; he ate too much, and the Cupcake betrayed him to his death.

And some things that should not have been forgotten were lost.

History became legend, legend became myth. And for two and a half thousand years the Cupcake passed out of all knowledge. Until, when chance came, it ensnared a new eater.

The Cupcake came to the customer Gollum, who took it deep into the sewers of the town.

There he consumed it, but there was ever more. It was never gone. 'It came to me. My own. My love... my preciousness.' That is what he called it, for such is what it was.

The Cupcake brought to Gollum unnatural long life. For five hundred years it poisoned him. And in the gloom of Gollum's sewer it waited.

Darkness crept back into the restaurants of the town. Rumor grew of food poisoning in the East, whispers of a nameless brand. And the Cupcake of power perceived. Its time had now come. It abandoned Gollum.

But something happened then the Cupcake did not intend.

It was picked up by the most unlikely customer imaginable... A fast-food eater, Bilbo Baggins of McDonald's.

The time will soon come when fast-food eaters will shape the meals of all.

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><p><strong>Warning: Do not proceed past this point if you have unpleasant reactions to randomness, etc. It gets worse in the next chapters. Prepare yourselves for craziness. <strong>  
><strong>~The Management<strong>

_A/N: This story may not proceed very rapidly, because I'm working on several others. Be warned!  
>:) :) :) :) :) Please review! Reviews are awesome. I will love you forever! (: (: (: (: (:<em>


	2. 2 Time to Leave McDonald's

_**A/N: Hello again everyone! Thank you reviewers, followers, and favouriters! :D **__TimeyWimeyGirl,__** thank you! It has been fun to write. **__OneSizeFitsAll,__** I'm glad I made you laugh. Thanks for telling me which parts you like. It's helpful. :) I will write more. **__Elleth of Hidden Lore,__** I don't know where the idea came from. I think I somehow twisted a line from the movie into having something to do with food, but now I can't remember what it was... **__Melkor'sOnlyLieutenant,__** Haha, I promise there will be lots of randomness for you! **__ccgaylord,__** I would have been like Isildur, also. Cupcakes+chocolate=awesomeness. **__Mirlasse,__** I know! While I was writing it, I heard Cate Blanchett's voice in my head, too (which is kind of creepy. Galadriel always creeps me out). Yes, it's true that men desire chocolate, but I think women do even more... ;) **__Luaithreach__**, I'm so glad you like it! I wish you all the luck in the world in finding that chocolate... :P **__BlackMinx17,__** Woohoo! I'm glad it made that much of an impression on you... ;) **__the witch cat warg,__** all I can say is, I agree with you 100%! choco-LAT! That should be the Orcs' war cry... **__CloveClove,__** XD cupcakes rule!... just like the One Ring. :P **__EvenstarWarrior,__** ha, thank you! Like I said, I don't know where it came from. I have what my sister would call a 'perverted imagination' (that's how she describes George Lucas' creative genius :P). **_  
><em><strong>Thank you, reviewers, favouriters, and followers, and may all your life road be paved with chocolate!<strong>_

**One more thing, since I don't think I did this for the last chapter: **  
><strong>Disclaimer: I do not own anything that Tolkein does, nor do I own any restaurants that you recognize. However, Melkor's and every dish and dessert in it are all mine! Including the One Cupcake to rule them all. Muahahahahaha... Tolkein hates me and will come back from the dead to haunt me in the form of his son suing me. ;(<strong>

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><p><em>60 Years Later...<em>

Gandalf the Grey drove along the road in his old Ford pickup, chewing on the stem of his long pipe. Suddenly he slammed on the brakes, for there beside the road stood Frodo Baggins, thumbing for a ride. Frodo cringed as the breaks squealed.

'You're late,' he said irritably, as Gandalf rolled down the window.

'A critic is never late, Frodo Baggins,' said Gandalf. 'Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.'

Frodo smirked. 'It's wonderful to see you, Gandalf,' he admitted, jumping into the truck.

'You didn't think I'd miss your Uncle Bilbo's birthday?' said Gandalf, smiling.

'What news of culinary interest?' asked Frodo, as the car chugged slowly down the road. 'Tell me everything!'

Gandalf looked down at Frodo, a twinkle in his eye. 'What, everything?' he asked. 'Far too eager and curious for a McDonald's customer. Most unnatural... Well, what can I tell you? Chefs in most restaurants go on much as they have before. Full of their own recipes, scarcely even aware of the existence of fast food... for which I am very thankful.' Gandalf blew a smoke ring out the window. 'Ah, the long expected party. So, how is the old rascal? I hear it's going to be a party of Special Magnificence.'

'You know Bilbo,' said Frodo. 'He's got the whole place in an uproar. Half the McDonald's employees have been invited.'

'Good gracious me,' said Gandalf, coughing.

'He's up to something,' said Frodo, looking suspiciously at Gandalf.

'Oh, really?' said the critic, trying to look innocent and failing miserably.

Frodo frowned. 'All right, then, keep your secrets. Before you came along, McDonald's was very well thought of.'

'Indeed?' said Gandalf, amused.

'Never had any new menus or did anything unexpected.'

'If you're referring to the incident with the horse meat, I was barely involved. All I did was give the health inspector a little nudge out the door.'

'Whatever you did,' said Frodo, 'you've been officially labelled as a Disturber of the Peace.'

'Oh, really?' said the critic, looking unconcerned.

'Gandalf,' said Frodo, sighing, 'I'm glad you're back.' He jumped out of the rickety truck.

'So am I, dear boy,' said Gandalf, 'so am I.'

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><p>There was a ring as the door swung open.<p>

'No, thank you!' yelled Bilbo. 'We don't want any more visitors, well wishers, or distant relations.'

'And what about very old- I mean, young! Young and spry- friends?' asked Gandalf.

'Gandalf?' asked Bilbo in surprise.

'It's good to see you,' said the critic. 'You're so old!' Bilbo frowned. 'You haven't aged a day,' Gandalf hastened to add. Bilbo's features relaxed again.

'Come in, welcome!' he said. He lead the way to the counter. 'Coke? Or maybe something stronger... I've a few boxes of instant coffee left, expired decades ago. It's terrible, it's almost as old as I am.' Bilbo disappeared into the back of the restaurant, and Gandalf looked around, enjoying the familiarity of McDonald's.

'I was expecting you some time last week,' said Bilbo, fiddling with cups behind the counter. 'Not that it matters, you come and go as you please, always have done, always will.' He snapped some lids on the coffee cups. 'You've caught me a bit unprepared, I'm afraid. We've only got a number one with fries. Hope it's enough. I could get you a shake if you like?'

'Just Coke, thank you,' said Gandalf. Bilbo huffed. He had spent all that time getting coffee for nothing. Oh, well; he'd save it for some other customer and heat it in the microwave.

Suddenly there was the honk of a horn.

'Bilbo Baggins, you come give me my drive-through,' said a very angry voice. It was Lobelia Sackville-Baggins.

'I'm not working today,' whispered Bilbo, ducking behind the counter. He waited until the sound of the angry customer died away. 'I've got to get away from these confounded relatives, going through the drive-through and asking for endless discounts,' he said, sighing. 'I want to eat food again, _real_ food, Gandalf. And then find somewhere quiet where I can finish my candy stash.'

'So, you mean to go through with your plan, then?' asked the critic.

'Yes, yes,' said Bilbo, filling a cup with Coke, 'it's all in hand. All the arrangements are made.'

'Frodo suspects something,' said Gandalf warningly.

'Of course he does,' said Bilbo, rubbing a straw up and down through the plastic lid. Gandalf cringed at the squeaky noise. 'He's a Baggins,' Bilbo continued, 'not some block head Bracegirdle from Wendy's.'

'You will tell him, won't you?' asked Gandalf.

'Yes, yes,' said Bilbo unconcernedly.

'He's very fond of food.'

'I know,' admitted Bilbo. 'He'd probably come with me if I asked him. I think, in his heart, Frodo's still in love with McDonald's food, the burgers and fries...' Bilbo sighed. 'I am old, Gandalf. I don't look it, but I'm beginning to feel it in my third finger of my left hand.'

Gandalf rolled his eyes.

'It's time for me to leave McDonald's,' Bilbo announced.

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><p><em>AN: Woohoo! Chapter 2! :D I hope you guys like this one. Unfortunately, at the rate I'm going, it's going to take a while to get to the actual adventure... :/ But we'll be there eventually! Question of the day: What would you name an autobiography of your life? '101 Things to NOT do Before You Die'?... :P That's mine! Or 'Fanfiction for Dummies' or 'Le Misérable Lily Lindsey-Aubery', or something like that. ;) _


	3. 3 The Food Goes Ever On and On

_A/N: I'm baaaaaack! ,'D Thank you reviewers! It's so fun to hear from you! __**TimeyWimeyGirl,**__ haha, sounds like me :P. I'm glad you liked the chapter! __**Melkor'sOnlyLieutenant,**__ oh, don't go to McDonalds. Terrible place ;). Oh, yes, Frodo must either be much bigger, or else maybe he begins to like really good food and won't eat bad stuff anymore, and so loses tons of weight. Maybe he's like Ego in Ratatouille... __**OneSizeFitsAll**__, well, Gandalf is a rather eccentric critic. And when he spoke of the horse meat, he meant that McDonald's was using horse meat, so he gave the health inspector a nudge out the door, and the inspector found out and apparently ended that terribleness. :P __**Luaithreach**__, awesome! Chocolate! And you are not alone in your apparent insanity ;) I think everyone is human, but things may develop more as I go along; for example, the Ents may be something else, or they may not. Bilbo is busy collecting his stash, though I believe he already has quite a bit saved up. I think he's rather stingy, but if you ask _very_ nicely... __**Guest**__ whose name I don't know, I'm sorry, I wouldn't do that fic well since I haven't seen Game of Thrones. I've read its description but that's the extent of my knowledge about it. :( __**Quiet**__**Hiker**__, I'm so glad you like my story! Thank you! __**CloveClove**__, yes, I have almost decided to start a randomness forum for those among us who are just a little bit insane... so that I know I'm not alone. ;) Oh, if you got rich and published that book I would totally read it! :P __**Mirlasse**__, all your titles sound like books I would want to read. And maybe you can convince Bilbo to share with you, too! ;) __**ccgaylord**__, haha! Success! I made someone unconscious from laughter! Mission accomplished. Oh, yes, the endless relatives and the endless discounts... ;) Yes, the title is cool. When are ya going to write it? ;D __**2MFriedmanFreak**__, yes, that comes from experience. Happens at my job all the time (relatives asking for discounts)! __**OneSizeFitsAll**__, 'The Last Rants of a Lunatic' LOL love it! XD_  
><em>on to chapter 3...<em>

Chapter 3.

Frodo Baggins and Samwise Gamgee sat at a table in Chuck E. Cheese's, along with many other customers. They were attending Bilbo's birthday, and hundreds had been invited

'Go on, Sam,' said Frodo, jabbing his friend in the ribs, 'ask Rosie for a soda.'

Sam was horrified. Didn't Frodo know he was trying to watch his weight? 'I think I'll just have myself another water.'

'Oh, no you don't,' said Frodo, who didn't want Sam to get as skinny as him. He grabbed Sam's cup and replaced it with his own. Sam picked it up without looking and drank some. He choked. Frodo laughed and finished his water.

Suddenly a huge explosion shook Chuck E. Cheese's.

'Meriadoc Brandybuck and Peregrin Took,' said Gandalf, grabbing the two miscreants by the ears, 'I might have known!' The two bad customers had broken one of the games by stuffing pizza inside it.

At that moment there was a roar from someone in the restaurant.

'Speech!' he yelled.

Bilbo was only too happy to oblige.

'My dear customers and employees of McDonald's,' he began. 'Today is my birthday. Yes, and alas, my life has been too short for enjoying McDonalds' excellent fast food! I don't eat half of its meals half as much as I should like; and I like less than half of them half as well as they deserve.' Bilbo paused and began acting strange. 'I have foods to ea- I mean, things to do, and I've put this off far too long. I regret to announce, this is the end. I am going now. I bid you all a very fond farewell!'

Suddenly, to the amazement of all the customers and workers present, Bilbo Baggins vanished. Frodo gasped, and the restaurant went into an uproar.

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><p>'I suppose you think that was terribly clever?' said Gandalf, frightening Bilbo, who was getting himself a happy meal to take with him, half to death.<p>

'Come on, Gandalf!' said Bilbo. 'Did you see their faces?'

'There are many chocolate cupcakes in the world, Bilbo Baggins,' said the critic sternly, 'and none of them should be eaten lightly. They will make you fat.'

'It was just a bit of fun. Oh, you're probably right as usual. You will keep and eye on Frodo, won't you? I'm leaving everything to him.'  
>'What about that Cupcake of yours? Is that staying too?' asked Gandalf.<p>

'Yes, yes, it's in the container over there on the cash register.' Bilbo started, feeling his pocket. 'No, wait. It's here in my pocket. Isn't that odd, now?' Bilbo got out the Cupcake and stared at it. 'After all, why not? Why shouldn't I keep it?'

'I think you should leave the Cupcake behind, Bilbo,' said the critic critically. 'Is that so hard?'

'Well, no,' said Bilbo. 'And yes. Now it comes to it, I don't feel like parting with it. It's mine. I found it. It came to me!'

'There's no need to get angry.'

'Well, if I'm angry, it's your fault!' said Bilbo, who loved chocolate and couldn't bear the thought of it being taken from him. 'It's mine. My own, my precious.'

'Precious?' Gandalf looked startled. 'It's been called that before, but not by you.'

'So? What business is it of yours what I do with my own things?'

'I think you've had that Cupcake quite long enough,' said Gandalf. 'You eat too much chocolate, anyways.'

'You want it for yourself!' said Bilbo angrily.

'Bilbo Baggins!' yelled the critic, 'do not take me for some eater of convenience foods! I'm not trying to rob you. I am trying to help you. All these long years we've been friends. Trust me as you once did. Let it go!' The song began playing in the background (and will now be stuck in your head for the rest of the day).

'You're right, Gandalf,' Bilbo sniffed, 'the Cupcake must go to Frodo.' He sighed. 'It's late, the road is long... yes, it is time.'

'Bilbo?' said Gandalf.

'Hmmm?' asked Bilbo, picking up his happy meal and preparing to depart.

'The Cupcake is still in your pocket.'

'Oh, yes,' said Bilbo uncomfortably. With a great effort he dropped it on the counter. He sighed. 'I've thought up a topping for my next ice cream sundae: chocolate, caramel, marshmallow, mint topping. It will taste wonderful.'

Gandalf made a face. 'I'm sure it will, my dear friend,' he lied.

'Goodbye, Gandalf,' said Bilbo.

'Goodbye, Bilbo,' Gandalf returned. 'Until our next meeting,' he added, trying to make it sound significant.

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><p><em>Duh duh dun... *music notes of destiny* what will happen? Will Gandalf steal the cupcake? Will Frodo be tormented by the Sackville-Bagginses? Will Samwise Gamgee lose weight? <em>

_*Fade out...*_

_*Fade back in* I have a poll on my profile and I would appreciate it if you guys would vote! Please? Virtual chocolate cupcakes of epicness to those who vote!_


	4. 4 McDonald's! Baggins!

_A/N: Ollo! How's everyone? __**Mirlasse,**__ sorry about getting IT stuck in your head... :P Yes, probably that Cupcake would be in bits if it weren't the Cupcake of epicness. __**OneSizeFitsAll**__, don't worry about Sam. He's eaten McDonald's food all his life; there's no hope of him ever getting skinny. __**Teapot of transformation,**__ glad you like it! Thanks for reviewing! Btw, your pen name has me laughing. __**CloveClove**__, CUPCAKES! While writing this story I have serious cravings... __**LaurielS**__, ramdomness rocks! Thank you. Here's your next chapter. :) __**ccgaylord**__, lol too bad I'll have to wait so long; I was looking forward to it! ;) __**2MFriedmanFreak**__, your autobiography sounds like something I wouldn't need to read; I already know the ten worst ways to promote sanity... I have just recently discovered that I am not paranoid like I thought I was. Someone told me that you're only paranoid when you think everyone is going to kill you and they're not, not if you think everyone's going to kill you and they are. I thought I was paranoid because I think everyone's crazy; but happily I'm not paranoid after all, since everyone __is__ crazy. __**LadyOfAnfalas**__, I will try with all my will-power to do the whole LotR. I will make it through! But it may take quite a while. LotR is sooo long! But that's part of its greatness. **MOSObsessed, **I'm sad you can't vote, too. ;( Everyone else has to to make up for it! **ThurinRanger, **thanks! I love to know that this story is enjoyed. _

**Chapter 4.**

'Get out, get out, get out of my head,' sang Frodo, entering and slamming the door. 'And fall into Mount Doom instead. I don't, I don't, don't know what it is, but I need that one Ring, and you've got that One Ring.' He banged on the counter. 'Bilbo!' he yelled. 'Bilbo! I want my deluxe thingy with fries and a drink!'

'My precious,' muttered Gandalf, chewing on his pipe. Frodo started.

'Oh, Gandalf,' he said. 'What are you doing here? You're not supposed to smoke in McDonald's.' He looked around for Bilbo. 'He's gone, hasn't he?' Frodo sighed. 'He talked for so long about leaving... I didn't think he'd really do it.' He noticed the cupcake on the counter.

'Bilbo's cupcake,' Gandalf observed. 'He's gone to work at a better restaurant,' he explained. 'He's left you his job at McDonald's... along with all his possessions.'

Gandalf grabbed the cupcake and put it in a happy meal bag. Then he handed it to Frodo. 'The cupcake is yours now; but keep it somewhere out of sight.'

'Where are you going?' asked Frodo, seeing that Gandalf was getting ready to leave.

'I have some things I must see to,' said Gandalf.

'What things?'

'Hunger,' he said. 'Hunger that needs satisfying.'

'You've only just arrived!' said Frodo. 'I don't understand...'

_Of course a fast-food eater like you wouldn't understand that I'll never eat McDonald's food,_ he thought, but aloud he said, 'Neither do I. Keep it secret, keep it safe.' He hurried out the door, leaving Frodo standing alone in McDonald's.

Gandalf jumped in his pickup truck and chugged with what speed he could to the cooking store. He searched feverishly for the cook book by Isildur the son of the critic.

'Eureka!' he cried, grabbing it off the shelf and sitting down to read it.

'"Here follows the account of Isildur, Chef of Gondor, and the finding of the Cupcake of Power,"' he read. '"It has come to me... the Cupcake of Power! It shall be an heirloom of my restaurant... all those who follow in my bloodline shall be bound to its fate, for I will risk no hurt to the Cupcake... it is precious to me, though I eat it with great pain."' Gandalf paused and considered for a moment. 'My precious,' he muttered. 'Hmm. "The marking written in icing begins to fade. The writing which at first was as clear as crystal has all but disappeared; a secret now that only milk can tell..."'

Farmer Maggot was busily chopping wood in his garden, when up out of the blue drove a shiny black Acura. To say the farmer was surprised would put it too mildly; nice cars were never seen around here.

A man in a suit and dark sunglasses got out of the car. Farmer Maggot had not watched very many movies, but he didn't need to to know that this man was up to no good. The man approached.

'McDonald's? Baggins?' he hissed.

'There's no Bagginses around here!' Farmer Maggot croaked, terribly afraid that the man in the suit would pull a gun any second. 'They all work at the McDonald's, that way.' He pointed a trembling finger.

The mysterious man was back in his sleek car and zipping away before the farmer had time to recover himself.

Frodo was just about to lock up McDonald's for the night. He paused, sensing that something was amiss. Suddenly a dark figure lunged for him and grabbed him by the collar.

'Gandalf?' said Frodo, startled. 'I knew that,' he reminded himself.

'Is it secret? Is it safe?' Gandalf looked like a maniac; paranoia blazed in his eyes, and he was unkempt from travelling in his old farm-use pickup for such a long distance.

Frodo somehow realized what he was talking about, and pulled out the Cupcake from his pocket.

'It's a little smushed,' he admitted. 'But I didn't eat a single bite!'

Gandalf snatched the Cupcake and ran to the giant McDonald's refrigerator.

'What are you doing?' screamed Frodo, as the critic dunked the Cupcake in the milk he had just bought. He lifted it back out.

'Hold out your hand, Frodo,' he ordered, 'It's quite dry. Can you see anything?'

'Nothing, there's nothing,' said Frodo, examining the Cupcake. 'Wait!'

Gandalf swallowed hard. On the Cupcake writing began to appear. 'It's some form of Elvish,' said Frodo the naive. 'I can't read it.'

Gandalf put on his ominous face. 'There are few who can,' he said dolefully. 'The language is that of Mordor, which I will not utter here.'

'Uh, why?' asked Frodo.

'In the common tongue,' said the critic, ignoring him, 'it says, "One Cupcake to rule them all, One Cupcake to find them, One Cupcake to bring them all, and make them all fat."'

'?' said Frodo.

'This is the one Cupcake baked by the dark chef Sauron, in the fires of the oven of Doom... taken by Isildur from the hand of Sauron himself.'

'Bilbo found it... in Gollum's cave,' said Frodo.

'For sixty years the Cupcake lay quiet in Bilbo's keeping, prolonging his life, delaying old age... but no longer, Frodo. Evil is stirring in Mordor. The Cupcake has awoken. It has heard its master's call.'

'That's creepy,' observed Frodo. 'Anyways, I thought Chef Sauron was destroyed!'

'No, Frodo,' said the critic. 'The spirit of Sauron has endured. His life force is bound to the Cupcake-'

'The Force!' yelled Frodo, jumping up and doing a jedi move. Gandalf lowered his eyebrows. Frodo sat back down with a thump.

'Is bound to the Cupcake,' the critic went on, 'and the Cupcake survived. Sauron has returned. His cooks have multiplied... his restaurant of Mordor is rebuilt. Sauron needs only this Cupcake to cover all the lands in the second fatness. He is seeking it, seeking it, all his thoughts are bent on it. For the Cupcake yearns, above all else, to return to the hand of its master: they are one, the Cupcake and the dark chef. Frodo, he must never find it.'

Frodo scooped up the Cupcake. 'Alright! We'll put it away, we'll keep it hidden! We'll never speak of it again. No one knows it's here, do they?'

Gandalf shifted uncomfortably. 'There is one other who knew that Bilbo had the Cupcake,' he said. 'I looked everywhere for the creature Gollum, but the enemy found him first. I don't know how long they tortured him with threats of no more oreos, but amidst the endless screams and inane babble, they discerned two words: McDonald's, Baggins!'

'That will lead them here!' said Frodo, horrified.

* * *

><p>The song that Frodo is singing at the beginning of this chapter: Who can name the original? :P Whoever can figure out what song it is gets one free virtual Chef Sauron plushie. One prize per family, only while supplies last.<p>

Side Note of Randomness: My nephew and sister playing a game; my nephew, seeing my sister walking around with a staff (which, in this case, was nothing more than a long stick), suddenly yelled into a block of wood (which, I assume, was an intercom), 'Captain, captain! A bad guy wizard has appeared!' LOL makes me want to do a Captain America/LotR mixup... ;)

One more thing, all of you awesome readers: Good humorous stories are few and far between, but sometimes I manage to find some. These I add to my favourites; so if ever you are searching for a good laugh, go read those. I promise that each and every one of those stories is amazing. Also, there are several authors who are just unbelievable. OneSizeFitsAll, ccgaylord, and Erestor are some of these. I would really recommend their work if you're wanting something to read. I love them so much, and imo they need more recognition (except for Erestor, who everybody in the LotR fandom who likes humor knows about and loves). The only problem is that if you read their stories you won't think mine is as great anymore... :P

Question of the day: Oh, this is an evil one, but I want something to laugh at. What story does your family always tell about you? And bonus question: Have any of you seen/heard of the Lord of the Rings Musical? O.o Your opinion on the subject?

*music notes of destiny again* What will happen to Frodo? How did Gandalf know about Gollum's torture? Is Gandalf the real villain? Or am I just saying that to worry you? Will the Cupcake be destroyed?  
>*fade out*<p> 


	5. 5 Abandoning Luwak for Starbucks

_A/N: Here I am, finally, again. YOU GUYS ARE AMAZING! Thanks for voting on my poll! I love you forever! As of right now, Melkor's Restaurant is winning, with LoL coming in second and MEA, UHW, Old Stories, ME:MC, and Don't Wait! all tying for third place. Looks like I'll be writing Melkor's Restaurant for a lllooooonnnggg time... but that's OK with me! :D Thanks as always for the reviews; remember, you silent readers, that a fan fiction author's only reward for the long hours he toils over his amazing (:P) work is the reviews that his kind readers leave for him. :) Don't be shy; leave a review. You know you want to! _  
><em><strong>Mirlasse<strong>__, I'm fantastic (in more ways than one)! Oh, you listen to soundtracks too? I love doing that. It's literally my favourite kind of music. And Howard Shore is awesome! Haha, sometimes younger siblings are useful for that... I haven't seen the musical, either, though I've listened to some of the music. Still formulating an opinion. Yes, I think Gimli will smash it; but I haven't yet gotten there in my brainstorming, so it may end up different than I expect. __**CloveClove**__, You are exactly right! :P One chef Sauron plushie coming right up! lol You fell asleep during dinner? XD I haven't done that... yet. __**OneSizeFitsAll**__, nope, no chef Sauron plushie for you. :P Hey, what about that time you and Alex Hollister were trying to fold the table cloth? You were both holding it up above your heads and began walking towards each other until... bonk! That was really funny... __**LotR**__-__**HP**__-__**PJ**__, thanks for reviewing! You are the honorary new reviewer for today! Nice to meet you. Wow, you can do that? I know some books have smells; there's this one set I have that has a really distinctive one. But I don't think I could identify very many books that way. __**ThurinRanger**__, cool! I would like to see it some time. Maybe next time I go somewhere where I can stream video. Unfortunately I can't watch youtube at my house; takes too much bandwidth or something. I have liked the music I've listened to so far, but not sure about Gollum. Andy Serkis is the only Gollum for me, I think. XD I have this horrible habit of unconsciously viewing my reviewers in my mind's eye as looking like their avatars. So imagine the mental picture I came up with: Faramir in an Elsa dress and heels throwing snow and singing in Latin! LOL Did you post the video on youtube? I wanna see it! ;D __**ccgaylord**__, I know it doesn't rhyme. I think that's what Frodo was thinking when he said '?'. Oh yeah, my Nazgul rocks. __**Luaithreach**__, you are right! Another chef Sauron plushie for you! Here is your update; sadly it wasn't soon, but here it is at last! __**MOSObsessed, **__no, only evil Chef Saurons bake cupcakes. :P Well... maybe, if you're very good... __**LadyofAnfalas, **__Yes, I'm trying to make it through the whole thing. So sorry that this chapter took so long in coming. I didn't expect it to take this long. But I promise that I will never leave everyone to wonder whether I'm gone forever or not. If I ever decide to quit a story, or stop fan ficcing, I will post in my profile that I have, and not leave everyone hanging, wondering if I'll ever show up again *cough*Erestor*cough* _  
><em>Here's my answer to the question of the day: Has anyone here played Apples to Apples? Once when I was playing it with my family, when I happened to be the judge, the adjective was 'Brave'. Out of all the nouns put in, I chose 'Mildew' as the winner. Don't ask me why; I'm still trying to figure out. Remember, this was a long, looong time ago... ;P Btw, it's a really fun game. <em>  
><em>aah, I'm running out of Sauron plushies; you people are unpredictably smart!... uh, that sounded really wrong. What I mean is, I wasn't expecting everyone to be so smart! Well, maybe I should have been. Forget it.<em>

_Ok, so here, finally, is: Chapter Fiiiiivvvee!_

**chapter 5.**

Frodo trembled in horror.

'Take it, take it!' he cried, holding the cupcake out to Gandalf.

'No, Frodo...' protested the critic.

'You must eat it!'

'Don't tempt me, Frodo!' cried the critic, looking longingly at the cupcake of destiny. 'I would eat this cupcake to keep everyone else from eating it and getting fat; but through me, it would make someone too fat and terrible to imagine.'

'But it cannot stay in McDonald's!' said Frodo.

'You must leave McDonald's, and leave quickly.'

'Where should I go?'

'Make for the drive-through of Burger King.'

'Burger King?... What about you?'

'I'll be waiting for you at the checkout counter.'

'And the cupcake will be safe there?' asked Frodo doubtfully.

'I don't know, Frodo. I'm gonna go talk to the Head Critic. He'll know what to do... Frodo, you'll have to leave the name Baggins behind you. From now on you'll be Mr. McFlurry.'

'Uh, Ok.'

'What was that?' asked the critic suddenly.

'What?'

'I heard a noise.'

'I didn't-'

With one quick movement, Gandalf reached his hand out the drive-through window and grabbed something by its coat. He was surprised to find Samwise Gamgee in his grip.

'Confound it all! Samwise Gamgee, have you been sneaking ice cream?'

'I ain't been eating no ice cream, sir! Honest.'

'What did you hear? Speak!'

'Nothing important... that is, I heard a good deal about a cupcake... and a Dark Chef. And something about everyone getting fat, but... Please, Mr. Gandalf, sir, don't hurt me! Don't turn me into anything unnatural!'

'No?' Gandalf smiled evilly. 'Perhaps not. I've thought of a better use for you.'

* * *

><p>The next day, Frodo found himself standing on the street with Samwise and Gandalf, ready to start the journey to Burger King.<p>

'Be careful, both of you. The enemy has many spies in his service, many ways of hearing. Never eat it, Frodo, for then the agents of the Dark Chef will be drawn to its power... Always remember, Frodo, the cupcake is trying to get back to its baker. It wants to be eaten.' Gandalf, after revealing this disturbing revelation, leaped into his pick-up and drove away in a cloud of dust and smoke.

'Come on, Sam,' said Frodo, 'let's try to hitch a ride.'

* * *

><p>Gandalf drove at full speed (which, in his truck, was thirty mph) towards the dark and forbidding Starbucks. Hopping out of his truck he approached the great Head Critic, Saruman, who sat at a table drinking coffee.<p>

'Smoke rises once more from the Oven of Doom,' said Saruman in a very scary voice. 'The shadow takes shape in the kitchen of Mordor. So the cupcake of power has been found?'

'All these long years it was in McDonald's, under my very nose,' admitted Gandalf sheepishly.

'And yet you did not have the wit to see it!' scoffed Saruman. 'Your love for McDonald's McFlurries has clearly slowed your mind.'

'We still have time... time enough to counter Chef Sauron... if we act quickly.'

'Time?' said Saruman forebodingly. 'What time do you think we have? Sauron has regained much of his former baking prowess. He cannot yet bake delicious food, but his spirit has lost none of its potency. Concealed within his bakery, the chef of Mordor sees all. His gaze pierces cloud, shadow, earth, and flesh. You know of what I speak, Gandalf... a great Eye, lidless, wreathed in flame.'

'The Eye of Sauron,' murmured Gandalf. He shivered.

'He is gathering all corn syrup to him,' said the Head Critic. 'Very soon he will have summoned enough fructose to launch an assault upon Middle Earth.'

'You know this?' asked Gandalf doubtfully. 'How?'

'I have seen it,' said Saruman evilly. He held up a shiny black ball.

'A crystal ball is a dangerous tool, Saruman,' said Gandalf.

'Why? Why should we fear to use it?'

'We don't know who could be watching us,' said Gandalf, covering the crystal with a napkin.

'The hour is later than you think. Sauron's forces are already moving. The Nine have left Minas Morgul.'

'The nine!' cried Gandalf, shocked.

'They passed the Soda Fountain on Hollow e'en, disguised as agents in black.'

'They have reached McDonald's?' asked Gandalf, stricken.

Saruman shrugged. 'They will find the cupcake, and kill the one who carries it. Did you really think that a fast-food eater could resist chocolate? There are none who can. Against the power of sugar, there can be no victory. We must join with chef Sauron. It would be wise, my friend.' Saruman suddenly turned Disco.

Gandalf hissed. 'Boo! Tell me, when did Saruman the critic abandon Luwak* for Starbucks?'

Suddenly Gandalf was flung to the tile. He slammed against a table, pinned there by some unseen force. He struggled against it, but the force is more powerful than you can possibly imagine.

'I gave you the chance,' said Saruman, 'to aid me willingly, but you... have elected... the way... of... paaaaiiiinnnn!'

* * *

><p>Don't you just love that line? :P *heartheartheart*<p>

*I looked this up; apparently it's the most expensive coffee ever. ;)

I Love Ratatouille! Are there any other Ratatouille-lovers out there (the movie, not the food. Haven't tried it, actually)?

I'm thinking of posting my Chef Sauron pic on DeviantArt (provided I can figure out how lol) for all you great people who guessed the song! :P To post, or not to post? That is the question...

I'm also considering changing the title of this to Melkor's Bakery. I don't think the site will let me, but I think it _is _going to be a bakery, so... well, we'll see.

Anyways, thanks for your patience! I'll try to be less tardy in the future. :) Please add to that beautiful list of reviews!


	6. 6 The Sheetz! Twenty Miles!

_A/N: First off: How do you like my new cover photo? XD It's awesome, ain't it? Unfortunately, it cuts off part, but oh well. _  
><em>Announcement: Hear ye, hear ye, all you who correctly answered the question (yes, One Thing by One Direction), I put a Chef Sauron pic as my avatar for a limited time only! It's very silly and cute. :) <em>

_Announcement no. 2: I have a new poll up! Please take a moment to vote; I can guess what you'll choose (1. LotR 2. Hobbit 3. ...)... well, maybe. You go vote so I know what to write about next! :D_

_Once more (well, probably not __once__ more, but...), thank you for the reviews! _  
><em><strong>Melkor'sOnlyLieutenant, <strong>don't worry! Now you get to catch up and get a bigger helping than usual. :) True. Nothing can burn it but the fires of the Oven of Doom... oops, spoilers... XD NO, of course no one should eat it! It will destroy you! O.o Yes, Saruman thinks fast food eaters are tasteless. Not tasteless as in bland, but in having an uncultured palate. Hmm, making Saruman a cannibal would be an interesting twist... :P **OneSizeFitsAll**, noooo! Don't remind me. That was so embarrassing. D: **ThurinRanger**__, you. just. filled. my. ego. to. bursting! Stop it. I will have serious mental, emotional, maniacal, etc. problems if you keep complimenting me like this. :D Thank you so much! I shouldn't say this, but I'm glad that the lack of my stories is to you like murder... :P __**ACE**__**MCSHANE**__..., you liked it? Yay! Thanks for the review! I'm glad I made you laugh! :) By the way, I just LOVE your profile picture... of course! Merry rocks! :D :D :D __**MOSObsessed**__, thanks for reviewing! ...wait, you mean you only just started wanting chocolate cupcakes? The worst part of writing this fan fic: constant, chronic, everlasting, infinite, chocolate cravings. D: But it's worth it, for you! :P __**ccgaylord**__, I know, right? I want to, too. Though it may not be the best __tasting__; it only said it was the most expensive. ;) __**TimeyWimeyGirl**__, COFFEE. Second only to Chocolate. :P Yes, for me, fan fiction writer that I am, having terribly intense cravings is an occupational hazard. __**literaturelife7**__, thanks for reviewing! Congratulations for being the new reviewer of the day! I'm very glad you're enjoying it. __**2MFriedmanFreak**__, hoho, yes, what could possibly be worse than Evil!Galadriel? Fat!Galadriel! *shivers* I have plans for that scene... __**LadyOfAnfalas**__, haha, I tried to think of a better name, but that one just stuck. __**LaurielS**__, haha I'm still trying to figure out what to do with the nine. SPOILER: I think they might be health inspectors or something... but I change my mind in the blink of an eye, so... __**ArwenisWholocked**__, CORRECT! One more Chef Sauron plushie! _  
><em>Thanks again all for the reviews!<br>...and did anyone else notice that the author's notes are getting as long as the actual chapters?... D: I need to stop talking... XD_

* * *

><p>Frodo Baggins and Samwise Gamgee walked down the road taking them to Burger King. Suddenly Sam let out a shout.<br>'Mr. Frodo!' he yelled, 'where are you?'  
>Frodo stuck his head out of the window of a car. 'I'm hitching a ride,' he said. 'What's the matter?'<br>'I thought I lost you,' said Sam sheepishly, hopping into the car.  
>'What are you talking about?' asked Frodo.<br>'It's just something the critic said,' said Sam. 'He said, "Don't you feed him, Samwise Gamgee", and I don't mean to.'  
>Frodo was concerned. 'Sam, we're still near McDonald's. How could you possibly keep me from eating?'<br>Suddenly, a figure came crashing through the car window, sending glass and Frodo flying.  
>'Frodo?' said the intruder. 'Merry! It's Frodo Baggins!'<br>'Hello, Frodo,' said Merry, who was busy knocking over Sam.  
>'What's the meaning of this?' said Sam.<br>'Sam, hold this,' said Merry, giving him a large fries.  
>'You've been into the Wendy's dumpster!' said Sam accusingly. An angry voice was heard in the distance.<br>The fast-food eaters ran.  
>'I don't know why he's so upset,' said Merry. 'It's only a couple of soft drinks.'<br>'And some hamburgers,' said Pippin. 'And those three bags of happy meals that we lifted last week. And then the ketchup the week before.'  
>'Yes Pippin,' said Merry, 'my point is, he's clearly over reacting.'<br>Suddenly the group came to the highway. They skidded to a halt.  
>'I think we should get off the road,' said Frodo uneasily. There was the sound of a car approaching, and then scary spy music began to play in the background.<br>'Get off the road!' yelled Frodo, who was intelligent enough to know that when scary music plays in the background, something bad is about to happen.  
>The fast-food eaters dove for cover, just in time. A sleek black Acura pulled up and a dark figure in a suit and dark glasses got out. He stood looking into the bushes where they were concealed.<br>Frodo suddenly felt an irresistible urge to eat the Cupcake. He was terribly hungry.  
>The man in the suit put his hand into his pocket and pulled out a gun.<br>Frodo squeezed his eyes shut. Suddenly he had quick psychic blasts! He saw a dark oven, a great eye... a burst of flame!  
>'Frodo?' whispered Sam, breaking the psychic link.<br>Merry suddenly threw a soft drink across the road. The man in the suit turned and ran to where it had fallen, leaving the four.  
>'What was that?' asked Merry.<br>'I have to leave McDonalds,' said Frodo weakly. 'Sam and I must get to Burger King.'  
>'McDonald's is better,' Pippin said helpfully.<br>'Right!' said Merry, more helpfully. 'Taxi!'  
>Suddenly a sleek black Acura burst down the road. The fast-food eaters ran for the nearest taxi with all their might. Just in time, Frodo manages to pull himself in and the taxi starts off.<br>'How close to the nearest gas station?' asked Frodo, relieved to see that the black Acura seemed to be out of gas.  
>'The Sheetz,' said Merry, 'twenty miles!'<br>The four were safe, but only for the moment...

* * *

><p>Yes. Yes. The authoress' note is almost longer than the chapter. I'm so sorry! The chapter will be longer next time, I promise! :) Anyways, please review, and thanks for reading!<p> 


	7. 7 Where'd You Go? Noooo!

_A/N: This chapter is just an interlude, really. It is a parody written by my good friend and reader OneSizeFitsAll. All credit goes to her on this one. If you like this, go check out her stories. They're really funny, especially 'A Reasonable Defense'. I'll be continuing the story in the next chapter, which will hopefully be up soon. I've been busy for a little while, which is why I haven't updated. Forgive the delays, and ThurinRanger, I hope you have survived these weeks without my stories being updated... :P_

_**Teapot**__**of**__**transformation**__, more like Agent Coulson from the Marvel universe... but Agent Smith is cool, too. That's the general idea... XD __**Melkor'sOnlyLieutenant**__, you sound like me. Very much like me. Yes, that's exactly how I feel right now. And the Oven of Doom can cook the most powerfu- I mean, the most delicious foods in the galax- I mean, Arda! :P __**ThurinRanger**__, yup, me being vociferous, as usual. Haha, I know, it's awesome, ain't it? :P OK, I'll try not to murder you... ;) lol I like that line too (well, of course; I wrote it! :P). And hey, no, don't worry. I don't mind compliments... :P __**ccgaylord**__, oh, it looks like that line is popular. Yes, I guess Frodo does... I know I do. __**OneSizeFitsAll**__, yup. he is. __**DeLacus**__, thank you for reviewing! You are my New Reviewer of the Day! Congratulations. And I'm glad you're enjoying it. This story is one of the most fun to write that I've done. __**literaturelife7**__, yes, Pippin is the kind of Hobbit to go crashing through windows, isn't he? Oh, the product placements are so fun! In fact, they're the funnest part of the whole story. I have some trouble with them though, trying to think up ideas, so any thoughts are welcome! __**Mirlasse**__, hey, wait, shame for what? What did I do? :O ...did I steal something? O.o __**Forged**__**In**__**Fire**__**and**__**Flame**__, yes, hilarious, I know. XD Thanks for reading and for laughing! __**LadyOfAnfalas**__, you're welcome to the updates. In fact, I will do my best to shove them down everybody's throats. Because I love writing this story, and if you guys didn't read it... I would make you. Somehow. Oh, yes, Aragorn, I need to make my evil plans about Aragorn... __**ArwenisWholocked**__, congratulations! lol, does it? I never go to Burger King. Or McDonald's, either, in fact. I always go to Chick-Fil-A... is that how you spell it? I have no idea. XD __**2MFriedmanFreak**__, woops! Poor Lord- uh, __chef__ Sauron doesn't want to be a pop icon? I know, he wouldn't like it. It reminds me of a certain moment when Gorbag (or was it a different Orc?) saw the picture Lindir edited of him with painted nails... __**user2014**__, I'm so glad you like it! Please keep reading and enjoy! :)_

_**Let it Go, Mr. Frodo!**_

(Frodo stands in front of the Oven of Doom, holding the Cupcake.)  
>Frodo: The fires burn bright in the oven tonight,<br>No dark chef where e'er you look.  
>A kitchen of desolation,<br>And it looks like...I'm the cook.  
>The fires are roaring like this raging fire inside;<br>Couldn't keep it out...Valar know I tried.

Don't let it in, don't let them see,  
>Be the good customer you've always had to be.<br>Conceal, don't feel, just let it go...  
>But I love it so!<p>

Sam: (standing in the middle of the kitchen)  
>Let it go! Let it go!<br>What are you waiting for?  
>Let it go! Let it go!<br>Then turn away and slam the door!

Frodo: I don't care what you're going to say...  
>Let the fire rage on...<br>Heat never bothered me anyway!

It's funny how some distance  
>Makes everything seem small,<br>And the fears that once controlled me  
>Can't get to me at all!<p>

The Cupcake: (in a whisper, and in black speech)  
>It's time to see what I can do,<br>To test the limits and bread through...

Frodo and Cupcake: (singing in harmony)  
>No right, no wrong,<br>No rules for me!  
>I'm freeeeee!<p>

Frodo: (solo)  
>Let me be! Let me be!<br>I am one with the fire and stone!  
>Let me be! Let me be!<br>You will never hear me groan!  
>Here I stand, and here I stay;<br>Let the fire rage on...

The Cupcake: (again, whispering in black speech)  
>My power surges through the air, into the ground...<br>My soul is spiraling in flaming flickers all around...  
>And one thought burns into him like an fiery blast...<p>

Frodo: (triumphantly)  
>I'm never going back! The past is in the past!<p>

Sam: Let it go! Let it go!

Frodo: No! The Cupcake belongs to me!  
>(Frodo eats the Cupcake and disappears.)<p>

Sam: Where'd you go? No-o-oo!

Frodo: Go home, Sam...let me be!

Here I stand, a Dark Chef...hooray!  
>Let the fire rage on...<br>Heat never bothered me anyway!

_I hope you all enjoyed this! Leave a review thanking OneSizeFitsAll! :)_


	8. 8 From McDonald's by Your Sizes

_A/N: Wow, I am so sorry, everyone, for not updating in so long. :/ Getting distracted by a lot of things. *sigh* Hopefully I'll be updating more regularly. Btw, go vote on my poll. It's another of those 'Which story should I focus on next?' ones. ;)_

_No replies to reviews, because the last chappie was OSFA's. :) She thanks you all for your reviews. Now everyone go and read her other stuff. She's an awesome writer._

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 8.<strong>

Frodo and his companions approached the rest stop. Their eyes were wild, their clothes unkempt. (Oh, and they'd left the taxi driver somewhere next to the road. He was in the way, and Pippin wanted to drive.)

'What do you want?' asked the grumpy person at the desk.

'We're headed for the Burger King,' said Frodo.

'Uh, dude, why didn't you just use your phone's gps?' he asked. 'Fast food eaters. Four fast food eaters, and what's more, from McDonald's by your sizes. What business brings you to Burger King?'

'We wish to eat there. Our business is our own,' said Frodo ill-temperedly.

'Alright young sir, meant no offense,' said the man. 'It's my job to ask people questions after dark. There's talk of strange folk abroad. Can't be too careful.' The man handed them a map.

Frodo and his friends finally found the Burger King and slipped quickly inside. 'Excuse me!' yelled Frodo, trying to get the cashier's attention.

'Good evening, big fat masters,' said the cashier, who happened to be named Butterbur. 'If you're looking for accommodations, we've got some nice, cozy, um, fast food eater-sized rooms available, Mr… uh...'

'McFlurry,' Frodo lied fluently. 'My name's McFlurry.'

'McFlurry?' said Butterbur suspiciously. 'Hmmmm.'

'We're friends of Gandalf the critic,' Frodo continued quickly. 'Can you tell him we've arrived?'

'Gandal?' asked the man. 'Gandalf…. Oh yes. I remember. Elderly chap. Big grey beard. Pointy hat?' Frodo nodded. 'Haven't seen him for six hours.'

Frodo gasped in horror and fell to the floor in a dead faint.

'Uh, what do we do now?' asked Sam concernedly.

After Sam, Merry, and Pippin had finally succeeded in bringing Frodo back around, they decided a nice dinner was in order. Pippin and Merry were able to chill, but Frodo and Sam were extremely nervous.

'He'll show up, Sam,' Frodo said reassuringly, noticing that his friend kept casting nervous glances around. 'He always shows up when I'm the one paying for the food'

Merry, who had gone to get a refill, came back and plunked his cup on the table.

'What is that?' gasped Pippin, making this face: O.O

'This, my friend, is a large,' said Merry, making the same face.

'It comes in large?' Pippin gulped. 'I'm getting one.'

'You've already had far too much,' Sam called after him, and gazed morosely at his own bottle of water. Then he groaned and cast more nervous glances around. 'That fellow's done nothing but stare at you since we've arrived,' he whispered to Frodo, pointing in the direction of the terribly unsubtle figure in the corner.

Samwise's paranoia is rather contagious. 'Excuse me,' said Frodo, plucking at Butterbur's sleeve as the man walked by. 'That man in the corner, who is he?'

Butterbur made a face and clicked his tongue. 'He's one of them vegetarians. Dangerous folk they are, wandering in the wild and eating shrubs and greens and roots and such. What his right name is, I never heard, but round here he's known as Strider.' He said the name with an ominous nod and left it ringing disturbingly in Frodo's ear like the toll of a doomful bell.

'Strider,' Frodo repeated to himself with a shudder. But he soon got distracted by the sight of the desserts that the people at the next table had. All of them were chocolate.

'Bagginsssss,' hissed the psychic voices in his head.

Suddenly his psychic feels were interrupted by Pippin's loud voice.

'Baggins? Sure I know a Baggins. He's over there.'

Frodo jumped up in horror and ran towards where Pippin was. 'He's gone and had a coke too much,' Sam yelled after him encouragingly.

'Frodo Baggins,' Pippin went on. 'He's my second cousin once removed on his mother's side, and-'

'Pippin!' yelled Frodo, grabbing his arm and spilling his drink.

'Steady on, Frodo,' protested Pippin. He pushed at him.

Frodo went tumbling backwards in slow motion. Duuuuun…. duuuuuun… duuuuuun… He fell on his back. The cupcake slipped out of his grasp and went hurtling into the air. *Insert intense music and slow motion here* Frodo opened his mouth to yell, but the cupcake of doom fell right into it.

Frodo vanished. Everyone screamed. Chaos broke out.

Somewhere, nine men in suits and sunglasses finished pumping gas into their black Acuras and swiftly sped towards the Burger King, feeling summoned by the psychic link.

Back at that unhappy place, Pippin was regretting his mistake. He had very little idea what was going on, but he knew that the next time he saw Gandalf he would get yet another bonk on the head and one more 'Fool of a Took' ringing in his ears.

Sam looked sick. Partly because he was worried, partly because he had gone and gotten a pepsi despite the warning of his conscience.

And Frodo was in confusion. Everything was blurry. He dove under a table and with a great effort spat out the offending cupcake of epicness. But not before he had seen the Great Eye telepathically and been frightened half out of his wits.

He had not recovered his equilibrium when a hand grabbed him and dragged him away.

* * *

><p><em>And as Loki so aptly put it, 'Tada!' There is your chapter. *scary music begins* What will Frodo do? Who is the owner of the disembodied hand? Will Sam get better? Will Pippin go jump angstily off a bridge because of his guilt? Will the dudes in black suits ever catch up? Will I ever finish this story? Will you ever find the answers to these questions?... *fade out* <em>

_*fade back in* Did anything momentous happen while I was gone? Because I haven't updated this in ages. *battling guilt* *feeling the chocolate cravings returning* _

_Random question: If you could have an endless supply of any food, what would you get? *fade back out*_


	9. 9 That is No Biscuit You Carry

_A/N: I'm back! Now didn't I do that fast? I was quite encouraged by the glorious reviews of last time, so I worked fast. :) Thank you so much, one and all!_

_Before we go on, I have this event I'm doing. I'm trying to put on a fan fiction contest for best humorous LotR (or Hobbit) fan fic. It would be awesome! For more info on that, please go to my profile page where I have a thingy-ma-bob up. _

_btw, Happy Snow Day everyone (who has snow...)! We've got bucket loads here. It's gorgeous. And to all you who have terrible lives with no snow in them, may you still have a nice day. OneSizeFitsAll: O.o You have a point there... What is a vegetarian doing in Burger King? Oh, I know. *sitting and judging everyone by their food choices* Phillip Callaway: DARCY! It's DARCY! :D :D Sorry, fangirling here. I love Darcy. You are welcome! I'm so glad you enjoyed it! :) Thalion Estel: Thank you so much! Your review was really encouraging! This is always tons of fun to write. But I hadn't updated in so long that I had to go back and read the whole thing so I could remember what was going on. XD ArwenisWholocked: You win prize for first person who answered my question of the day. *clap clap* I love sushi! We have a tradition to make lots on New Year's, so I'm all sushi'd up. Elf from Downunder: Hooray! You are the official new reviewer of the day! If you want the silly chef Sauron picture you can see it on my Pinterest fan fiction board. It's really goofy. Yeah... Aragorn being a vegetarian was really random. I guess because, I don't know, you know, 'Vegan' Mortenson? :P Thank you for your follow! :D Yuki Suou: Wow, thanks for reading my story! I've really been enjoying yours. :D I love Ratatouille. Did you like it? We just rewatched it, too. I love food, no wonder I love that movie. Yay! You've got it right! It is One Thing. *O* Oh my goodness; thank you! You don't want to write like me, though. Your writing style is great. I love your stories! :) :) ccgaylord: I want that picture, too. O.o Maybe I can find that somewhere... Guest: Thank you so much! ThurinRanger: No, no, no, I will never abandon this story. :) Eventually I'll get back to all my stories, except maybe my Mary Sue one. I've really missed this story, but didn't quite realize it until I started writing it again. Next chapter, as ordered. :) literaturelife7: Oh, yes. Good choice. I think I would probably pick Pizza, too. XD Baroness Hera: Haha, thank you! _

_And now I must stop, because I grow horrified with how long this Author's Note is getting. O.O_

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 9.<strong>

'You draw far too much attention to yourself, Mr. McFlurry,' said the dark stranger, who had grabbed our Frodo and dragged him into another room.

'Lol,' said Frodo. 'Mr. McFlurry. That's what you think.' He'd had had too much mountain dew, so he wasn't very concerned. 'What do you want?'

'A little more caution from you,' said the vegan. 'That is no biscuit you carry.'

'I carry nothing,' said Frodo. He was terrible at lying.

'Indeed?' said Strider, nowhere near convinced. 'I can usually avoid being seen if I wish, but to disappear entirely? That is a rare gift.'

Frodo liked that compliment, so he said more affably, 'Who are you?'

'Are you frightened?' asked Strider cryptically.

Frodo hesitated. He wasn't sure how to answer that. 'Y-yes?' he said slowly.

'Not nearly frightened enough,' said Strider, giving himself a mental fist bump. He'd been waiting to say that line since he'd left Rivendell. 'I know what hunts you,' he continued, and was about to make a long speech about cupcakes, and dark chefs, and the end of the world; but he saw that his listener's attention was distracted by a sound in the corridor. He was exceedingly annoyed by this intruder, whoever he be, and drew his sword.

Suddenly our three little fast food eaters burst through the door with angry looks.

'Let him goooo!' yelled Sam theatrically. 'Or I'll have you, double decker deluxe burger!'

Strider was slightly fazed by this insult. But only slightly. Not too much to think of something else awesome to say.

'You have a stout heart, little fast food consumer.'

Sam resented that.

'But that alone won't save you,' Strider continued angstily. 'You can no longer wait for the wizard, Frodo. They are coming.'

A little ways away at the visitor's centre, the man that Frodo and co. had spoken to earlier was getting run over and dying a horrible death; but that has little to do with this story, so we will just skim over it.

The men in black Acuras zipped down the road and screeched to a halt in front of the Burger King. Then they slipped stealthily in, hands on their automatics, evil lears on their faces.

'I don't really know why I'm trusting you,' said Frodo to Strider. 'Like, I've never even met you before. I know nothing about you, except that you try to be spooky, which is weird.' Frodo rambled on.

The men drew closer. And closer.

'Like,' Frodo continued, 'I think I shouldn't trust you. I've changed my mind. Come on everybody, let's-'

There were screams of disgust and disappointment from the men in black (who had gotten distracted by a carry-out box that looked like it had burgers inside- unfortunately it happened to just be Strider's carry-out salad; they were, at the moment, ripping it to shreds in frustration).

'Oh,' said Frodo lamely. 'I guess I'll stay in here after all.'

_In Here _was in the garbage bins at the back of the restaurant. The four fast food eaters huddled together nervously, while Strider smoked his pipe and tried to look cool and make an 'I told you' face at the same time.

'What are they?' asked Frodo. Referring to the men in black.

'They were once men,' said Strider. 'Great health inspectors. Then Sauron the Deceiver gave to them nine cupcakes of Power. Blinded by their cravings, they took them without question, one by one falling into unhealth. And now they are slaves to his will.'

Frodo yawned.

'They are the Health Inspectors; Cakewraiths, neither living nor dead. At all times they feel the presence of the Cupcake… drawn to the power of the One. They will never stop hunting you.'

Sam shook Frodo to wake him, and he dazedly followed the others as they left Burger King.

'Where are you taking us?' he asked, suddenly realizing that he was going somewhere.

'Into the wild,' said Strider.

Merry was suspicious. 'How do we know this Strider is a friend of Gandalf?' he asked in a whisper.

'We have no choice but to trust him,' said Frodo dismally.

'But where is he leading us?' Sam asked.

'I told you!' complained Strider. 'To The Wild; the restaurant of Elrond.'

* * *

><p><em>*Dun dun dun* Where will this vegan take our hapless company? Will he betray them? Where is Gandalf? Did I forget to put Bill the Pony in? (yes) When will we finally get to Boromir? And Legolas? And Gimli? Etc.? <em>

_Question of the day: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go? _

_*fade out ghostily*_


	10. 10 Disco! Saruman, Grumpy! Strider

_A/N: Hey dudes and dudettes! :) Sorry for the delay (as usual… *blushes*)... Here are the answers to the reviews! I know, this is long… sorry… or you're welcome… whichever…_

_**literaturelife7**__: I like Cakewraiths, too. I know... I had such trouble trying to think of a name for Elrond's restaurant. Then I started wondering why Aragorn called going to Rivendell going into the wilds; so I named it that. It does sound really cool! I'm going to be a globetrotter when I'm old and rich. ;) __**ArwenisWholocked**__: Thank you! *u* Those are the places I want to go, too. But first I'd go to Italy, I think. __**OneSizeFitsAll**__: Thanks. I think I will. __**RedRose8472**__: I hope you keep enjoying it! :) __**Elf from Downunder**__: Haha I hope it doesn't ruin the movies for you. Europe seems to be a very popular destination. It's probably where I would want to go most. __**Thalion Estel**__: Thanks for telling me your favourite line. It helps me know what to write! O.o WAT! I am so jealous... *o* Where were your three top places? Your summer must have been awesome. :D __**Yuki Suou**__: Yes. Ratatouille rocks! I'm a foodie, too. Did you see the short 'Your Friend, the Rat'? It's so funny. XD Good destinations. :D __**ThurinRanger**__: Haha innevitably! Always a good choice, New Zealand. :) You're welcome. Sorry this one wasn't so prompt... *ashamed* __**OneSizeFitsAll **__again: ASGARD! YESSSS I'd visit the Triskelion (sometime after you-know-who's death though, of course). __**Phillip Callaway**__: Fast food eaters' tastes are not always refined. :P That was hard to come up with... how do you foodify a line like 'longshanks'? __**Just A**_ _**Reviewer**__: You just made my day... um, night... XD Sorry to keep you up; but I'm glad you liked it enough to do that! Ooh, it's like your brain? I think I'll like you... XD Oh, you'll have to wait and see about the Elves... *looks mysterious* Randomness will continue undoubtedly. Impossible to keep me from it. :D :D __**Melkor'sOnlyLieutenant**__: yay! I still like the first chapter best, though. It was the most fun. :D I know. Evil things have powers like that. Eck. China is awesome. My brother is there right now. Man, everyone keeps giving me places to put on my destinations list... I will never get around the world in one lifetime! (Doctor, I need you...) __**LadyOfAnfalas**__: Thank you so much! It only gets more and more fun to write. __**Pip the Dark Lord of All**__: I can't get over how awesome your username is... XD That is another great destination. Although I have a fear of poisonous animals of all kinds... :P __**Cupcake155**__: Welcome to my story! Greece would be awesome. *O* Your uncle sounds fun! :D_

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 10.<strong>

The fast food-eaters stopped wearily and dropped their paper bags of Burger King stuffs.

'We don't stop until nightfall,' said grumpy!Strider.

'Why not?' said angsty!Pippin.

'Just cuz,' said grumpy!Strider.

'What about breakfast?' said hungry!Pippin.

'You've already had it,' said stingy!Strider.

'We've had one, yes,' said starving!Pippin, 'but what about Second Breakfast™?'

Grumpy!Strider shook his head grumpily and stomped off.

'I don't think he knows about Second Breakfast™, Pip,' said apologetic!Merry.

'What about Second Christmas™? Second Easter™? Second Thanksgiving™? Second Birthday™? He knows about them, doesn't he?'

'I wouldn't count on it,' said Merry. Angstily.

An apple was hurtled at Pippin's head. 'I don't want HEALTHY food!' he yelled.

Tired!Hungry!Miserable!Fast food eaters made their tragic way down the road, trying to hitch a ride. But since all the drivers were grumpy!Drivers, no one would pick them up.

angst-angst-angst

Disco!Saruman stared into his disco!crystal ball, enthralled by its hypnotic power. 'The power of Saruman, Head Critic, is at your command, Sauron, Chef of the Earth!' he said zooily.

'Bake me a cake worthy of Melkor's Restaurant,' said the Chef in a whispery voice.

_Several minutes later…_

'What news from the restaurant, Mr. Critic?' asked one of his little cooks. 'What does the great Chef command?'

Saruman rolled his eyes impressively. 'We have work to do,' he said, sweeping off.

'Um...' said timid!Cook. '...that doesn't really answer my question… O.o...'

* * *

><p><em>Sorry for the brevity. More will magically appear in your inbox soon… eventually… someday… I will never give up! Muahahahaha But wow this is really short... sorry... honestly I am. I will update SOON!... ish...<em>

_dun dun dun… Will Gandalf survive? Will the Fellowship survive? Will the fast food-eaters revolt against grumpy!Strider? Will they stab him with a morgul blade? Will Arwen steal Glorfy's horsey-worsey? Will I stop giving spoilers or what? _

_*fade out* _

_Oh yeah, question of the dayyyyyy! If someone made a movie of your life, what would it be about, or what actor would you want to play you? :) See ya dudes!_


	11. 11 Back, You Tofu!

_A/N: Hey all! I'm back with another reeeeeeeeeaaly long author's note. :) In answer to my previous question, I took some quizzes and they tell me that it would be either Emma Watson or Natalie Portman. I wouldn't mind either of those, I don't think, although... I think I'm a bit more... something. Weird? Maybe? I said, and everyone agreed with me, that the best person to act me would be: *fanfare* BRET MCKENZIE! lol ;) Because I am so totes like Lindir. I'm told I even look like him. . . is that a compliment? :/ __**ArwenisWholocked:**_ _lol I haven't seen her in anything, but apparently she's a really good actress. I love Karen Gillan in what I've seen of her (NEBULAAAA! AMY!)! I haven't seen any seventh Doctor episodes, unfortunately... :( Haha that does sound like you... hmm... ;) __**Elf from Downunder:**_ _Thanks! Yep, I'm so random... XD Oh, good. I haven't done anything of importance either... yet... Lol yeah we can always hope. XD __**Phillip Callaway**__: Haha very funny. XD I used to not like Natalie Portman because I was mad at Padme. But she's a much better actress in Thor. Melkor'sOnlyLieutenant: I KNOW. Evil!Arwen! I would do the same. Strider annoys me (no offense Aragorn fangirls!). Yeah, actors in general are jerks. __**Thalion Estel**__: Sorry Estel family!... wait... well, whatever your last name is! Sometimes the script makes me laugh; when you watch the movie it doesn't stand out as much as when you read the script. Wow, that sounds amazing! (#CompletelyJealous) Your film sounds like it would be really inspiring! :) Oh, so I'm not the only one with that problem (not being able to communicate with other teens)! :P Thanks! __**literaturelife7**__: Yeah, doesn't that sound amazing? ! HAHA trying to picture Johnny Depp like that... ok... hmm... wow. __**Cupcake155**__: Yes, same here. My life is very corny. My reaction to your uncle Babi: O.o o.O woah. He sounds quite interesting... and hilarious! XD __**Yuki Suou:**_ _Aah you changed your profile picture! I am always startled when people do that. I can only imagine what it must be like for people with me... I change mine all the time. :P So sorry for the short chapter! I was being lazy. Oh, it may be dangerous. You know, blackmail material and all that... and besides, they might misrepresent it. And you would be famous, which could be annoying. __**ccgaylord**__: That actually sounds like a really cool movie. I want to watch it. Well it's amazing what you can do with makeup and prosthetics... although that could be weird... I think it could be a gender switch movie and Martin Freeman would act you. Or Simon Pegg. You just seem like that. __**LadyOfAnfalas**__: Thanks! Man, too many compliments, guys! *blushes* Ha my sister used to do that. It was quite funny. Mine would have a lot of music in it, too, because I love music. Lots of music. __**Pip the Dark Lord of All:**_ _I will, my Dark Lord of All! Um, sounds like a movie in which I could really identify with the main character! I KNOW. YOU TRY TO, TOO? I am trying to teach myself archery... and I'm doing terrible... waaaa... I am so going to do that at the grocery store now. XD __**Rousdower**__: I think your comments make me laugh more than my stories make you laugh. ;) Coulson with a Gollum voice. Oh my goodness. O.O I know, isn't OSFA awesome?! I hope you are not permanently injured by your laughter... :P I have a thing for angst. __**OneSizeFitsAll**__: We were just talking about you! Disco was fun. Muahaha. NO. No, Onesie. You know who would act YOU? It would be THRANDY-PACE. You are such a drama queen. No offense. __**Just A Reviewer**__: You need to change your name from 'Just A Reviewer' to 'Awesome Reviewer'. Thank you so much. I love to hear that I made someone's day; it makes MY day. THANK YOU! I think Jennifer Lawrence could fake an accent. Where are you from (don't tell me if you're not comfortable with saying)? lol You remind me a little of UniKitty from the Lego Movie. XD I have to say my answer would be black or brown. Does that fit me? Because those are my favourites. No, wait. I think I would be a burst of bright colours and then settle down to a cynical black. XD Man, I am depressing. __**ThurinRanger**__: I KNOW. Evil!Arwen! I'm sure Glorfindel has considered that; but I think he fears Elrond's wrath a little too much. You will love Galadriel, then... hehe... I have plans for Galadriel... muahahaha. Fast food is horrible but I like it anyhow. Not McDonalds though. No. I avoid McDonald's like the plague._

_To the Story! WOOT!_

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 11.<strong>

The great critic Saruman's little helper cook was having many problems. Saruman wasn't the easiest person to cook for. The little cook wiped sweat from his brow and trotted over to where the critic was standing.

'The Paleo Dieters are strong, Mr. Critic,' he said. 'Their influence goes deep. Their diet is gaining popularity.'

Saruman the Critic was excessively annoyed. It wasn't fair. He had done so much work to stop this diet. He had monetarily supported campaigns against it; he had organized protest marches; he had even written numerous treatises on it: _Paleo Dieters are Annoying, Paleo Dieters are Crazy, _and _Why Paleo Dieting is a Grave Error, _all of which explored the impracticability and illogicality of it, and stated in the plainest of terms that cavemen never existed anyhow, and even if they did, why would anyone want to eat like one?

So of course his response to this was a loud 'Humph! Bring them all down!'

'Um...' said the cook, 'we tried that… I said they're really influential-'

'Bring them all down!' Saruman thundered again.

'This was once the great eating place called Checkers,' said Strider angstily, gazing at the building with the sign hanging sideways. 'We will rest here tonight.'

The four fast food eaters collapsed on the floor inside, exhausted. Strider tossed them all forks.

'These are for you,' he said. Pippin brightened. 'Supper?' he thought. 'Keep them close,' Strider went on. 'I'm going to go look around.' 'For supper?' Pippin wondered. 'Stay here,' Strider ordered, and left.

Frodo was soon asleep, being quite tired, but almost instantly he was awake again. There was a smell of burning plastic…

'What are you doing?' he cried, seeing his friends trying to use the old toaster they'd found to cook some food.

'Tomatoes, sausage, and crispy bacon,' said Merry hungrily.

'We saved some for you, Mr. Frodo,' said Sam.

'Put it out, you fools, put it out!' yelled Frodo. The toaster had caught on fire, of course, being old and broken. Frodo ran to it and desperately tried to kick it out.

'Oh, that's nice!' grumped Pippin. 'Ash on my tomatoes!'

A little way away, the bright high-beams of a black Acura blinked on, and the noise of the engine starting could be heard through the still air.

Frodo glanced around in horror. 'Go!' he shouted, making for the back kitchen, clutching his fork. The others followed, seeing the car lights approaching outside.

The four fast food eaters huddled in front of the commercial refrigerator, pointing their forks desperately at the door which was slowly swinging open.

In walked five health inspectors, each brandishing rat poison. In the centre was their leader, the Chief Health Inspector, smiling evilly.

'Back, you tofu!' shouted Sam, desperately swinging his fork at the menacing figures; but the men easily push him and Merry and Pippin aside.

Frodo tried desperately to resist the health inspectors' psychic powers, but soon found himself pulling the Cupcake out of his pocket despite his efforts. The health inspectors gave a screech of excitement, and Frodo fell to his knees and took an irresistible bite of the delectable Cupcake.

'Nooooooo!' yelled Sam, seeing his friend vanish and guessing instantly the cause.

'Muaha,' cackled the Chief Health Inspector, reaching for the Cupcake.

'Aaahhh!' screamed Frodo, trying to resist and pulling back at the Cupcake. The health inspector frowned and stomped his foot impatiently. Then he flung his rat poison at the helpless Frodo.

Frodo screamed in pain, but just then, Strider jumped to the rescue! Brandishing a clockwork mouse, he snarled at the health inspectors. They all ran away screaming, terrified of all things pest-like, and Strider felt really cool.

'Perfect timing, as always,' said Merry dryly. 'Frodo's half dead...'

'Frodo!' yelled Sam.

Strider knelt beside the near-dead fast food eater and picked up the rat poison that lay beside him.

'He's ingested some rat poison,' said Strider, throwing it back on the ground in disgust. 'This is beyond my skill to heal. He needs health food!' He hoisted Frodo onto his shoulder and ran out of the Checkers.

'We're six days from The Wilds,' said Sam. 'He'll never make it!'

'GANDAAAALLLLLF!' screamed Frodo, hallucinating.

* * *

><p><em>Oh no! What will happen to our poor fast food eater? Will he die? If he does, will Strider not feel cool anymore, and have to go to a psychiatrist to improve his self-esteem? O.o <em>

_I need you guys to vote on my poll. Please? It's really easy! :D Question of the day: If you had to describe yourself in three words, what would they be? Again, please review, and please vote on my poll! :)_


	12. 12 It's a Drink

_A/N: First off, the result of my poll says that I should only respond to guests in the author's notes, and respond to everyone else by PM. This will be the last really long author's note (no promises though). _

_*squeeee* I have a livejournal! There's a link to it on my profile. It hasn't got much on it, but… yeah… I also have a Lindir board on Pinterest. If you are a Lindir junkie like me, please go check it out. There's this really cute fan art… ^-^ Aaand I have a tumblr. The link will also be on my profile, hopefully… never fear, though. My first priority is always fan fiction over all my other sites I'm involved in. Because fan fiction is the most fun. :P _

_My three words: I don't know. That, or I Am Confused. Either matches me pretty well. Note: I am not blonde. Only on the inside. _

_**Rousdower:** I KNOW. Why I write this fic. The mental images are so- Idk- crazy. xD I don't like paleo either. No offense, paleo people. SPOILERS. __**Phillip** **Callaway**: I know. He is. :) Aren't your three words 'Taser, iPod, and nerd'? lol btw NERD IS NOT A BAD THING __**TimeyWimeyGirl4**: *startled* You changed your profile picture! xD I like it. I can sympathise! I have that problem, so much so that I have to have a whole doc for Life of Lindir plot bunnies that I can't write down fast enough! *sigh* __**Pip** **the Dark Lord of All:** HEHEHE You remind me of Phillip. Thank you for voting on my poll. It is really appreciated. :D :D :D You weren't the one to say burn the story, were you? I'm gonna skinnnn that person... xD __**OneSizeFitsAll**: YES. I swear he's the best actor for you (besides the fact that he's a guy...) See? Only Thrandy-Pace flings robes around in dramatic temper tantrums. :) __**Melkor'sOnlyLieutenant**: I think so, too! Hobbits- I mean, fast food eaters are just so cute. I have considered your request very thoughtfully, but I cannot tell you my decision yet. SPOILERS. :D Cynical is me, too. I depress my mom. I have an extremely sociopathic side, too. __**ccgaylord**: mehehehe. }:) No, that's not why! Because you act like them. It's a compliment! xD Hehe. __**ArwenisWholocked**: xD Checkers all seem to be going out of business. I've actually never been to one. __**Thalion** **Estel**: Thank you! :) I always look forward to your reviews. You're very specific, and it's nice to know the exact parts that people liked most! :D __**LadyOfAnfalas**: Thanks! I had trouble in that chapter matching things from the movie with foody stuff. __**Elf from Downunder**: Ooooooh, spoilers! (and I'm still kinda trying to decide...) __**E. Peterson**: Thanks for reading and reviewing! ^-^ Oh, that… Bilbo was just complaining for the sake of complaining. I think he was getting whiny… :P_

**Chapter 12.**

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><p>As all these horrible, traumatic, unbelievable things were happening to our hapless fast food eaters, the critic Gandalf was having his fair share of misfortune, too. He was in the Starbucks, where the mean Saruman had chained him in between the giant cream whipper and the even more giant coffee brewer.<p>

He appeared weak and frail, as anyone would be after spending so long in such an uncomfortable position. But just as he was giving up all hope of ever getting free, something on the floor caught his eye. It was a quarter! *dun dada dun dun! queue triumphant bugle blast*

Gandalf reached towards it with his toe, sticking his tongue out as he strained to reach it. 'Almoooost theeeeere...' he murmured. He heard Saruman's steps as he walked past.

'Is this the new delivery man?' Saruman asked, examining the thing before him.

'Yes, my master,' said the little chef.

'Good, we will be ready to deliver my wonderful pizza to every restaurant soon!' cackled Saruman, rubbing his hands together.

Meanwhile, Frodo was still suffering away dramatically.

'Is he going to die?' asked Pippin excitedly.

'No,' said Strider, trying to be #clever. 'He is passing into the germaphobe world, and will soon become a health inspector like them.'

There was the distant sound of an engine revving up. 'They're close,' said Merry.

'Sam,' said Strider, 'do you know what chamomile is?'

'Chamomile?' Sam repeated, confused.

half disgusted.

'Tea,' Strider explained.

'Oh, tea,' said Sam airily. 'Yeah, it's a drink.'

'It may help to stop the rat poison,' said Strider. 'Hurry!'

It was hard to find the tea, of course, because they were in a rather unsophisticated place with only fast food eating places. Sam himself was rather disgusted with the idea of tea; he'd always preferred a good soda pop.

As Strider searched desperately, he heard noises a little ways off. There seemed to be the beating of hooves, neighing, and then was that… was that a woman's scream?

* * *

><p><em>O.o WHAT IS HAPPENING? <em>

_Anyhoooow, I'm sorry for the shortness of this chapter. I wanted to save the next part for the beginning of a chapter and leave you in suspense for a while. *innocent evil smirk* _

_So what do you know? I found out who voted for the 'burn the story' choice... I was asking for trouble by making that an option... XD We both know who you are, and I'm coming to skinnn you! }:(_

_But first review. And then go vote on my new poll! I seem to have a new poll every time... _


	13. 13 A Vegetarian Caught off his Guard

_Wow, what am I supposed to do without a really long author's note? O.O What to do with all this space… Sorry it took me so long to update. I'm getting lazy and I keep starting new stories instead of working on these older ones. My sisters are all mad at me. ^-^ Finally you will find out what was going on in that last part of the last chapter (although several of you clever people guessed already). ;)_

* * *

><p><strong><em>Chapter 13.<em>**

'What's this? A vegetarian, caught off his guard?' said a creepy voice behind Strider. 'Ouch!'

'Stoppit!' said another voice. 'Get out of here!'

Strider, confused, turned around, and the sight that met his eyes confused him greatly.

There stood Arwen. She was slapping somebody. That somebody was pulling her hair. It looked rather like a cat fight.

'What is happening?' said Strider.

'She stole my horse!' said the other person, who happened to be Glorfindel.

'He tried to knock me off my horse!' said Arwen angrily.

'Give me back my Asfaloth!' said Glorfindel.

'I. Will. Not!' Arwen screamed.

'Guys, stop fighting,' said Strider. 'You got here at the perfect moment. I need your help.'

'What do you need?' they said both at once; Glorfindel because he was nice and Arwen because she wanted to show off.

'I need a fast rider to take Frodo to The Wild restaurant.'

'I WILL!' screamed Arwen.

'No, that's not necessary,' said Glorfindel.

'Everyone knows I'm the faster rider! Tell him, Aragorn!'

'Don't you think you should let her?' said Strider, taking Glorfindel aside.

'Now, you wouldn't want your girlfriend attacked by evil creatures, now would you?' said Glorfindel. Strider frowned.

'Sorry, honey,' he said. 'Glorfindel will have to take-' but Arwen was gone.

She had gone to creep out Frodo, who was sleeping peacefully and dreaming about Gandalf again.

'Frodo,' she said, speaking in her signature creepy voice, 'I am Arwen, and I'm here to rescue you!'

'Who is she?' asked Sam suspiciously. He didn't like creepy people.

'He's gonna dieeeee!' screamed Arwen dramatically.

'Out of my way!' yelled Glorfindel, who had retrieved his horse and rode up with a boyish grin. 'I must take this fast food eater to The Wild!'

'I've been looking for you for two days,' said Arwen to Strider. Strider would have been creeped out if he weren't in love with her.

'Where are you taking him?' yelled Pippin to Glorfindel, who was putting Frodo on the horse.

'There are five health inspectors behind you,' said Glorfindel to Strider, pushing Arwen out of the way. 'Where the other four are, I do not know.'

'The road is too dangerous!' Arwen pouted.

'If I can get across the river,' said Glorfindel, 'chef Elrond can protect him.'

Arwen pouted some more. She didn't want to be stuck here with the fast food eaters. But at least Strider would be here, too. She brightened at that thought.

'I do not fear them!' she said proudly. 'I will stay and protect the fast food eaters!'

Glorfindel was already off and away, bearing the weak Frodo to the help of healthy food. The Wild was a famous salad bar restaurant, and there the powerful concoctions of chef Elrond would heal him.

But would they make it? Already, four black Acuras were racing towards them! Asfaloth was fast, but could he outrun a car?

Glorfindel rode harder. The black Acuras were getting closer… and closer…

Frodo, jiggling back and forth until he thought his brain would explode, was quite annoyed. Why couldn't people just let him sleep? And all this blonde hair was flying in his face. He felt very zoo-y. Suddenly, he felt the presence of the health inspectors. They were reaching for him. They were about to grab him! Suddenly, everything went black.

* * *

><p><em>THE END.<em>

_Not really. But that would be kind of awesome. Maybe I should end it here. . . Please review! In case anyone didn't know, Glorfindel was the elf who took Frodo to Rivendell in the book, and I like him better than Arwen, so, yeah. Sorry for the Arwen bashing. She's fun to bash. And think of all the good she's doing, protecting the fast food eaters instead of showing off! Soooooo back to question of the day: Who would you choose as your imaginary friend? But don't just stop there! Procure that imaginary friend for yourself. You are bound only by your own imagination. Go! _

_ok that was a little creepy..._


	14. 14 Chocoholics are Weak

_A/N: I have been making the addicting mistake of re-reading some of my older stories. It is quite depressing sometimes. There's this really horrible spy thriller that is just… well… HORRIBLE. So badly written. So much depression. But anyhow, I hope my stories have improved! :D Maybe?_

_Thank you reviewers! I'm sorry I update this so infrequently. I've got so many stories going right now, and I'm working a job, and trying to get ready for college, and you know, life just gets in the way. If I could I would probably just spurt out fan fiction all day long. But don't worry, I won't give up on writing this story. I will make it to the end! (even though I'm only half way through Fellowship of the Ring… speaking of depression). -_- Enjoy!_

**Chapter 14.**

Frodo awoke screaming.

Partly because his brain was damaged and it was taking him a while to remember anything, and partly because his diet for the last few days had been salad.

"Where am I?" was his first question, as soon as he could stop screaming.

"You are in The Wild, the restaurant of chef Elrond, and it's two o'clock on October the twenty-fourth, if you want to know," said a voice.

It was Gandalf, of course. Who else would be smoking like a chimney in somebody's sick room?

"Gandalf!" said Frodo, weak with the tobacco fumes.

"Yes, I'm here, and you're lucky to be here, too," said Gandalf. "A few more hours and you would have been beyond our aid. You have some strength in you, my dear fast food eater." Gandalf didn't mention at that time that he had a growing suspicion that McDonald's food actually promoted longevity.

Frodo's angst was returning quickly now that he was awake. He sat up.

"What happened, Gandalf? Why didn't you meet us?" he whined.

"I was delayed," said Gandalf shamefacedly. Then he fell into a trance and had a flashback.

His mind went to Starbucks, where he'd been trapped by the evil critic Saruman.

"Get up!" ordered the critic evilly, wielding his long coffee stirrer. "Submit to the power of the Cupcake or embrace your own destruction!"

Gandalf didn't like embracing things.

Except quarters. And he had finally managed to get ahold of the one on the floor. Now all he had to do was...

With one quick movement, Gandalf slid the quarter into the vending machine. Out popped a super caffeinated soda pop. Gandalf downed it in one gulp. Now he was Super!Gandalf. He grabbed his critic's pen and banged Saruman on the head! Then he ran away. And the moral is, that vending machines solve everything… if you can find a quarter.

"So you have chosen deasthththt," said Saruman chillingly. His head rather hurt.

And that was how Gandalf the critic escaped.

But he didn't tell Frodo any of this.

"Gandalf, what is it?" asked the fast food eater.

"Nothing," Gandalf lied. He was rather ashamed of his silly fight with Saruman.

"Frodo!" yelled Sam, running in. "Bless you, you're awake!" He was quite excited, because he didn't want to ever see a salad again in his life, and therefore wanted to leave The Wild as soon as possible.

"Sam has hardly left your side," said Gandalf.

"We were that worried about you, weren't we, Gandalf?" said Sam.

"By the cooking of chef Elrond, you're beginning to mend," Gandalf said. Elrond appeared at that moment, brandishing a plate of salad.

"Welcome to The Wild, Mr. Anderson," he said stoically. "You have found your way to the last salad bar east of the sea. The chefs of Vinaigrette have dwelled in this restaurant for thousands of years, though few fresh greens now remain."

It wasn't long until Frodo could get up and see his old friends; Merry, Pippin, and Bilbo.

"Hello, Frodo my lad!" said Bilbo, who had gotten pathetically skinny in his time at The Wild. He handed Frodo a book.

"'Eat and Eat Again, a fast foody's tale, by Bilbo Baggins,'" Frodo read, and laughed. "This is wonderful."

"I meant to go back," Bilbo confessed. "Wander the aisles of the Mirk Vineyard and Winery, visit Red Lobster, see the Erebor Pub again. But weight, it seems, has finally caught up with me."

Frodo turned a page of the book, and there before him was a McDonald's menu. "I miss McDonald's," he said quietly. "I spent all my childhood pretending I was eating something else… off eating with you on one of your food excursions. But my own food travels have turned out to be quite different. I'm not fat like you, Bilbo."

"My dear boy," said Bilbo, rather offended.

A little later, Frodo came across Sam packing.

"No, what have I forgotten?" asked Sam worriedly.

"Packed already?" asked Frodo.

"No harm in being prepared," said Sam, who was positively sick of spinach and strawberry salad.

"I thought you wanted to try salad, Sam," said Frodo.

"I do," said Sam. "I did. It's just, we did what Gandalf wanted, didn't we? We got the Cupcake this far, to The Wild. And I thought… seeing as how you're on the mend, we'd be off soon. Off to McDonald's."

"The Cupcake will be safe in The Wild," Frodo said. "I am ready to eat a Big Mac again."

Meanwhile, chef Elrond was talking with Gandalf. "His strength returns," he said, looking down at Frodo.

"That poison will never fully heal," said Gandalf cynically. "He will carry it with him for the rest of his life."

"And yet to have come so far without eating the Cupcake," said Elrond. "The fast food eater has shown extraordinary resilience to its evil."

"It is a burden he should have never had to bear," said Gandalf. "We can ask no more of Frodo."

"Gandalf, the enemy is moving," said Elrond urgently. "Sauron's cooks are massing in the east. His eye is fixed on The Wild. And Saruman, you tell me, has betrayed us. Our list of allies grows thin."

"His treachery runs deeper than you know," Gandalf agreed. "By foul craft, Saruman has crossed cooks with gingerbread men. He is cooking an army in the ovens of Starbuck's. An army that can cook in sunlight and cover great distance at speed. Saruman is coming for the Cupcake."

"This evil cannot be concealed by the power of the salad bar," said Elrond nervously. "We do not have the strength to fight both Melkor's and Starbuck's. Gandalf, the Cupcake cannot stay here."

Gandalf bit his fingernails and glanced down at Frodo through the window.

"This peril belongs to all restaurants," Elrond continued. "They must decide how to end it. Not just for themselves, but for those that come after." Elrond walked over to Gandalf. "The time of health food is over," he said quietly. "Health nuts are leaving these shores. Who will you look to when we are gone? The locals? They hide in their pubs watching rugby games. They care nothing for the troubles of others."

"It is in chocoholics that we must place our hope," said Gandalf.

"Chocoholics?" said Elrond disbelievingly. "Chocoholics are weak. The chocolate lovers are failing. The blood of them is all but spent, their pride and dignity forgotten in their consumption of cheap Palmer's chocolate. It is because of chocoholics that the Cupcake survives."

Now it was Elrond's turn to have a flashback.

"I was there, Gandalf," he said. "I was there when Isildur took the Cupcake. I was there the day that the strength of chocoholics failed."

Elrond saw himself motioning towards the oven of Doom. "Isildur, hurry! Follow me!" he was shouting.

"I led Isildur into the heart of the Oven of Doom," he said to Gandalf. "Where the Cupcake was baked, and the one place where it could be destroyed."

"Cast it into the fire!" he was shouting to Isildur the son of the critic. "Destroy it!"

But Isildur loved chocolate too much. "Noooo," he said evilly, turned, and left.

"Isildur!" Elrond was shouting after him, but it did no good.

"It should have ended that day," said Elrond again to Gandalf. "But evil was allowed to endure. Isildur kept the Cupcake, and the line of Chocoholics was broken. There is no strength left in the race of chocolate lovers. They're scattered, divided, leaderless."

"There is one who could unite them; one who could reclaim the chocolate of Hershey's," said Gandalf.

"He turned from that path a long time ago," said Elrond bitterly. "He has chosen Palmer's."

* * *

><p><em>I hope you enjoyed! :) Naughty you-know-who, to choose Palmer's over Hershey's! }:(<em>

_Please, please, let me know in a review or PM if there are any continuity errors. After a while, this stuff gets really confusing. I mean, _**_really _**_confusing. Thanks a million. _

_In the online transcript of the Fellowship of the Ring I'm using, it says _

_**Saruman **_

_(Chilling) _

_So you have chosen death. _

_The way they put it made it look like Saruman's all like, 'yeah, just chillin' over here, Gandalf'_

_And did you notice that if present trends continue, there will be over eighty-four chapters to this fic when it's complete? And will take approximately five more years to finish? Oh yes! We're coming up on the one-year anniversary of this story. WOOT! Thank you guys for making this possible, and more than that, fun! :D_

_Anyhooooo please review! Love you guys. I'll be back. _

_8)_


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